Stateside Again & Re-Entry

As of today, I have been back in the states for almost two weeks. It has been a crazy two weeks, that's for sure! Thank you so much for all of you who are already (and still) praying for me and keeping me in your thoughts, as I need them for my upcoming major student teaching assignments. In the mean time, let's talk about re-entry shock.

The number one thing that has frustrated me about re-entry (i.e. returning back to the states) is this question:

So, how was China?!?

I want to be gracious and understanding towards people who inadvertently ask me this question. At least they're asking, right? On the other hand, having to find a way to answer this tactfully makes me feel as if the person asking doesn't really care about my experience. I have to determine how much to share with them, how much to entrust them with.

Let me clear up a couple things: It's Thailand. Chiang Mai, Thailand. And it is. Not was. The country hasn't fallen off the edge of the earth. And it is not just a country, it's a culture. A way of life. It's people with goals for the future and a rich heritage in their past. It's where half of my heart lives. Sixty-six beloved teenagers and a host of colleagues and friends whom I love call Chiang Mai home, at least for a time. God was working there before I went and He is working there still. He is working in the lives of missionary kids whose families are stationed there and He is using them to show love to his Thai, Hmong, Lao, Karen, Lisu, Lahu, and expatriate children, as well as those who live in various other Southeast Asian countries. Chiang Mai is just a three hour plane flight from roughly one third of the world's population. It is not only a relatively safe location for international workers, but also a hub of many missions organizations. So much is (not was) happening in a place as seemingly dark as Asia.

My overseas student teaching experience is technically over, with just paperwork to complete before I can graduate, but God's work in Chiang Mai, Thailand is not. My encouragement to people asking is to make the was question about the trip and the is question about the country, people, and work God is doing. The trip is over, but the country and God's work there, the people, memories, desires, cravings for local food, and relationships are not.

At this point in the re-entry process, I am reflecting on this experience and learning from it as I compile everything I did during student teaching into a portfolio that demonstrates what I have learned about teaching. Processing the past three and a half months have been difficult, but rewarding, and I am so blessed to have enjoyed that time in Chiang Mai.

Trying to give and receive plenty of grace during the re-entry process,
--

"Seek Him. Be Here. Be His."

Sunset in Bangkok

As I write this, the sun is setting in front of me on the landing strip at Bangkok International Airport. I found one of those "free internet" kiosks - the ones where you don't look up your bank account information, but you do check your Facebook. Go figure. Anyway, I've been here since 3 or 4pm Bangkok time, and my flight leaves at 10:40pm Bangkok time, which is in less than four hours. I have four currencies in my wallet (but not much of any of them) and I've been awake since 5am. This will be flight number three out of four. It's a bit bewildering.

As I sit here, I find myself feeling like I've crossed over into the "Stateside" side of this trip again. If you've followed my blog for long, you know that before I arrived in Chiang Mai, I titled my posts "Stateside Update" and a number. At this point (hours but not countries removed from Chiang Mai), I feel like I've somehow ended up back at "Stateside." The irony of this is that almost everything in my life comes full circle again. However, the truth is that even though I feel like I've returned to the beginning, I am definitely not the same person I was when I began.

For one, I am intimately more aware of (even if I don't understand completely) the norms of Thai culture. I noticed this significantly when I arrived in Hong Kong for a five-day mini-vacation with my friend Michelle. Let's just say that Thai people are friendly, accomodating, and try not to walk in front of other people. Hong Kong people? Not so much. Even though I had been to Hong Kong in 2012, it was a different experience visiting after three months in Thailand.

In addition, I gained the mentorship and friendship of many amazing people from all over the US and the world while I was serving in Chiang Mai. I also fell in love with 66+ teenagers, who just happen to be some of the greatest kids ever. I don't have favorites, but if I did, they would top my list.

There are many more realizations soon to be made regarding this trip, but I think time is needed to process them. I may feel as if I have already made it back to "Stateside," but I am actually over twelve hours from arriving back in the states. It's okay, though, because God is good, and he gives us time and jet lag and airplane flights in order to begin to grieve the loss of one culture and role while we come to accept another culture and role.

One thing I learned while I was in Chiang Mai is that physical and emotional distance provides clarity and objectivity. I prayed that distance from the states would provide clarity, and now I pray that distance from my three months in Chiang Mai would provide clarity. By this, I mean that I desire to look back and see God at work in my life during that time. I want to be able to trace, even minutely, growth and changes and memorable moments. God is good, and He is working all things together for good.

More to come,


--

"Seek Him. Be Here. Be His."

Love and Lose (And Do it Well)

I think it hit me today that I did not come to Chiang Mai for my benefit. Yes, I have benefitted greatly from this experience. I have grown so much professionally and personally. I have been challenged and encouraged every single day, but coming here was not for me. It was for the students with whom I have had the privilege of working.

One of my fears in signing up for the program for overseas student teaching (POST) was that my students wouldn't like me. Even writing that makes me cringe. I have had more notes, hugs, compliments, and "thank you"s (in multiple languages) than I can count. Most recently, a ninth grader asked me to the school dance and a twelfth grader joked about getting my phone number. No matter how many times they annoy me, these kids have stolen my heart. And from their responses to my impending departure, I believe many of them have a place in their hearts for me.

It is this "impending departure," however, that has me worried. Leaving and being left are common occurances in the lives of Third Culture Kids (all of my students are TCKs in some way or another), and I feared that my much-too-short time with them was perpetuating the painful reality of the transient world in which they live. Has it even been worth it? I asked my housemate and friend Becky today. I was afraid I had made their already tangled lives more difficult.

Becky quickly countered my fear. They are richer for having known you and having been taught by you. She said. And you are richer for having known them and taught them. You know what? She is right.

I used to despise the saying "It is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all." I got so upset when people would say it because I felt like it wasn't true. For all of its perks, love is incredibly painful. Why woud I go through all of that knowing it would all end in disaster?

Yet, here I am, loving these kids and being willing to let them go. Sure, we'll be friends on Facebook when I officially finish student teaching, and we'll like each other's status about Thailand and jet lag, and we might see each other again because this world is a very small place, but my work here is done. That moment in time when I stood before 23 juniors and seniors and asked them to watch what they say because their words have power will never come again. That split second when I realized I had fallen in love with my 43 freshmen as they loved on Thai elementary school children is not going to happen the same way again. I could never get back those moments again, even though I will teach hundreds of teenagers in my lifetime.

Am I depressed that I will never get this back again? No. I'm blessed. I'm rich with the experience and the memories and the lessons learned. Third Culture Kids who are able to process their experiences (with the help of parents, teachers, counselors, etc) are able to love and lose. It happens. It hurts. They know it because they've experienced it. They often struggle to deal with the grief (many TCKs often unheathily build up unresolved grief), but with help, they work through it. They are richer for having had the Third Culture Kid experience, and most are very proud of it. Losing hurts, but they loved and invested; they unpacked and planted trees. It is the relationships that make the experience worth it. TCKs lose much, but they gain so much more.

I hope and pray that the too-short months I've spent with these precious students have somehow encouraged them. May they find God and his grace right where they struggle most. May they be motivated to keep on keeping on. May God's name be lifted and praised before mine is even remembered. He has great plans for them.

In Him,
--

"Seek Him. Be Here. Be His."

The Most Challenging Part

Upon reading my blog posts and thoughts from earlier this semester, I have become aware that I worried about all of the wrong things. I worried about finances, but I received a refund from the college. I worried about safety, but Thailand is probably the safest country in all of Asia. I worried about getting to the grocery store and buying food and stuff, but we do that every week.

In fact, my biggest struggle is not the language barrier, as I once thought it'd be. Although Thai is a tonal language (which makes it incredibly difficult to speak), I can get by with a few simple phrases, numbers, and lots of pointing and nodding and wai-ing (bowing). Also, adding "khaa" to the end of anything makes it more polite. Don't get me started on reading and writing Thai, however. That's not going to happen in 13 weeks! :)

My biggest struggle is not even the cultural differences. As my roommate Cara says, when you start to understand a culture or people group anthropologically, you can understand why they do (and don't do) certain things. For example, Thai people don't wear their shoes in homes, especially someone else's home. For one, the ground is dirty and many Thai people walk or ride songtaos or motorbikes. In addition, most people here who have pretty good jobs hire a mae baan (may BAHN), like a housekeeper, to sweep, mop, clean bathrooms, etc. Our mae baan visits once a week for half a day. Mae baans may also be asked to watch after children, do laundry, cook meals, etc. Wealthier people may hire a mae baan to live in their homes full time. Anyway, one reason Thai people don't walk in someone's house with their shoes on is because it shows disrespect to the mae baan or whoever cleaned the house. Thais (and Asians in general) are very focused on respect. I have observed and experienced, however, that Thai people are very forgiving. Believe me, I have made many mistakes, like pointing at something with my foot, dropping baht (currency), giving and taking baht with my left hand, saying thank you in English instead of Thai (and once saying hello instead of thank you because I forgot which was which), and eating with my fork (and probably more I'm not aware of!). While most people don't mind it, is culturally incorrect to lift your fork to your mouth. Instead, the fork is used to push food onto the spoon, which you then eat from. (With the spoon in your right hand.) For a long time, I didn't understand why this was the way things were done. And then I tried eating a rice-based dish with a fork while having a conversation. Impossible. It is so much easier to scoop your rice and pork into a spoon than to try to balance rice on your fork! Now that I've learned how to use my fork and spoon, even something so small, I feel more able to handle the culture.

My biggest struggle is not even homesickness. I know, I know. Hearing me say this may make you think that I don't miss you all. Believe me, I do. Tremendously. I think of you guys a lot. I miss the funny things you do and say. I miss not having to explain funny memories. I miss your companionship. I miss hanging out with guys my own age. I also miss a lot of things from the states, like Chick-Fil-A (although this cute little restaurant near my neighborhood can whip up some awesome khao mun gai - rice with chicken). I miss being able to drive myself, because I have to depend on songtaos and generous friends and my own bicycle to get places. Also, not being able to communicate effectively with most people at markets, stores, and restaurants is challenging. It's a challenge, but I'm learning to rise to it and seek help when I need it. That's not my biggest struggle.

For a long time, my biggest struggle here was that I was the only person with my unique experience. I was the only student teacher from TFC at GIS. I felt very alone. And then I met Amy, who just graduated from a teacher education program in Colorado (she did her student teaching in the Fall). Amy has been a safe person for me to talk to, and we can share our student teaching experiences and our mutual worries over our futures. With someone who understands a little more than most people by my side, my biggest struggle most recently has been lesson planning. I know, it sounds really pathetic. I mean, yeah, I have spent the last three years learning how to write and teach lesson plans. But when you're actually sitting down to do it day in and day out, it is extremely difficult. I'm taking my teacher's plans from previous years and what their students need this year (and in the case of one class, two teachers' plans and needs), combining that with my unit plans that I've developed to include all my resources, mixing that with the college wants me to do, developing materials and resources where I don't already have them, and filling out the lesson plan format according to what the college requires. I am overwhelmed with all that is required (for all the different people) and how I am supposed to finish all of my lesson plans by Thursday night when I've spent all my free time (and after school until 5 or 6) gading papers, tests, and finding resources. Okay, so I know it sounds like I'm complaining, and I appreciate the high standard I'm being held to, but it is very difficult being responsible for so much and investing into these kids at the same time.

But you know what I've realized? I'm not an excellent teacher if my lesson plans are perfect but my students don't know they are loved. Granted, I have to know what I'm doing each class period, especially because I'm being evaluated practically every day. However, if I am here just to teach, I am failing at life. To paraphrase Paul's letter to the Corinthians:

If I could speak all the first languages of my ELL students, but didn't love them, I would only be a noisy gong or clanging symbol. If had the gift of differentiation, and if I understood all literature and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such alignment to the standards that my students not only aced all tests but could apply their learning to the real world, but I didn't love them, I would be nothing. If I gave my afternoons and weekends to working with students and even if, God forbid, I died in the line of protecting my students, I could boast about it; but if I didn't love them, I would have gained nothing.

(Paraphrase of 1 Corinthians 13:1-3)

So this is what I'm left with. I only have two more weeks of intense student teaching lesson plans, so I'm going to make the most of it even though it is hard, and I'm going to continue to love on my kids.

Please be praying that I would have opportunities to encourage my students. I have 43 ninth graders in three classes and 23 seniors in one class. Please pray that conversations and lessons would be edifying and God would be the center. Please also pray for my students' families, many of whom are involved directly in international missions. Ask God for safety and direction for their ministries.

Amen.

--

"Seek Him. Be Here. Be His."

Teach and Be Taught

Good morning, world! It is currently 11am on Saturday the 18th here in Chiang Mai.

Since I last wrote, I have moved into my Chiang Mai home! My housemates Cara and Becky and I are renting a duplex in a muu baan (neighborhood) called World Club Land, which is right next to our school. I have a five minute walk to school every morning, which is a lovely commute!

This past Thursday night, Cara's friend Sera took us to a place called Documentary Arts Asia. It is a house in a neighborhood closer to the center of Chiang Mai (near the moat) that they have converted into a library/museum and a theater, with seating on the floor or balcony. It is a very eclectic and hipster-y place. We watched a neat documentary on human connection and emotions. It was in English, and there were a lot of farangs (foreigners) there. Before going to see the documentary, we went to an outdoor market and ordered dinner from the food vendors there. I had pork leg rice and a passionfruit smoothie, which were both really good! I got back a bit late, but I really enjoyed the experience. Documentary Arts Asia shows documentaries on Thursday nights and independent movies on Monday nights.

When I got to Chiang Mai, I thought that laundry would be difficult, but it is really simple. We have a washing machine on our back porch area, which is a screened-in room connected to the back of our house. No one has dryers here, but we have a large drying rack. (And the washer setttings are in English!) Speaking of laundry, I am currently waiting on my clothes to dry. In the cool season (December through March), temperatures are usually between 60 and 80 fahrenheit, and clothes take a while to dry. In the hot season (March through late summer), they dry faster. People are telling me that during the hot season, it gets up to and above 100 degrees. When I first got here, I thought that 80 was really hot, but now I'm used to wearing 3/4-sleeved shirts or little cardigans to school, because it is only going to get hotter!

Teaching has been going very well! This is my second week and I have been teaching half-periods, reviewing homework, leading group activities, and grading classwork and journals this week. Yesterday (Friday), my cooperating teacher was sick, so I subbed for all of his classes. Usually I only work with his ninth grade classes, but I subbed for the 12th grade Advanced Placement class and it went well. I have found that I really enjoy teaching. Perhaps it is because these students are easy to work with, but I have felt very successful this week. I think Monday was a tad bit rocky, but as the week went on, I began to feel more and more comfortable with the students.

The reason I titled this post "Teach and Be Taught" is because while I am teaching my ninth graders (and eventually my twelfth grade British Literature class), I am also learning. I am "being taught" by my cooperating teacher, who has many years of experience and works very well with the students. I am learning from his example, and I am compiling his comments and making adjustments based on what he says. I am also "being taught" everytime I explore the city or take a ride on a songtaew or visit someplace new. Student teaching, as I said in a previous post, is as much (or more) being a student as it is being a teacher. I am learning so much! I have been journaling quite a bit about that experience and I hope to share some "snippets from my Chiang Mai journal" sometime.

I have some pictures on Facebook of my latest adventures. Feel free to add me as a friend if you aren't already or click here to see my photo album if you do not have a Facebook account.

In terms of prayer requests, please pray for continued safety for all the teachers, families, and residents of Thailand as there are still protests and demonstrations in Bangkok. Please pray that my refund check from my college would come through in a timely manner. I also ask that you would pray for the school I'm at (Grace International School), as they continue with the court case I mentioned earlier. Finally, pray for one of my students whose parents have separated.

With Love,
--

"Seek Him. Be Here. Be His."

Stateside Update 15: Seven Days!

Dear Friends,

Great news: my passport (with the visa inside) has been mailed! As you all know, I have been extremely worried about my passport arriving in time - my flight leaves seven days from tomorrow! I just received word that my passport was in Maryland around 8pm tonight, so it should be at my house in one or two days. This is definitely a blessing. Thank you to all who prayed for me! [And a word of caution: Apply for your visa early. Consulates like to be nit-picky.]

I am indebted to those of you who kept me in your prayers. If you would like to receive specific prayer updates via email, please go here, fill out your information, and select the prayer team box. You can receive blog updates as emails also at the same link. If you are interested in supporting either me and my trip or the school where I will be student teaching, you can visit my support page.

Thank you for everything. Until next time!
Only through Him,
--

"Seek Him. Be Here. Be His."

Stateside Update 13: Twenty-Nine Days, Friends!

I just purchased plane tickets, emailed my roommate (a sweet girl named Cara), signed papers, budgeted for housing... The countdown is on!

This week has been very stressful as I have been trying to get everything completed and I am definitely indebted to all of you for your support and encouragement... And for putting up with me when I get annoying or have to miss work or stay up late. I'm so grateful for you all!

With that being said, if you are interested in supporting me financially as I am preparing for this trip, please visit my Support page. I have an online donation system set up if you are interested in supporting in that capacity. My first need is always prayer, however, so feel free go to the Contact page and indicate that you would like to serve as a member of my prayer team to receive consistent updates.

Whether or not you are considering supporting my student teaching trip financially, I would like to ask you to take a moment to consider supporting Grace International School, where I will be student teaching. For those of you who don't know, Grace is a school primarily for missionary families, as families do not pay tuition and teachers raise support. In addition, Grace has struggled with a legal issue over the last few months, and they are in need of relocating. You can help support the efforts of the school by Giving a Day's Pay, Grace's new initiative. The online calculator determines you much you make in a day and makes it easy to give that amount to support Grace.

Finally, I am continuing to learn what it means for my preparation to be worship. It is so easy to get sucked into the fear that I will not be able to afford this experience, or the dread that my jet lag will be debilitating, or the anxiety of feeling like I will not able to complete all my assignments. And yet, when I realize that this experience is an incredible blessing that not many people get the opportunity to enjoy, I find myself thankful and overjoyed. In addition, thinking of the ninth graders I will have the opportunity to meet, teach, and befriend keeps me going. What a blessing it will be to see His Body at work in Asia.

Thank you for your care and compassion.
With love,
Alex
--

"Seek Him. Be Here. Be His."

Stateside Update 12: The Visa Process

Friends,

To enter and remain in Thailand, I have applied for a nonimmigrant visa which allows me to stay in Thailand for up to 90 days at a time within one year. This is a very scary process. For one, I have mailed off my passport to Washington, D.C. and no matter how much tracking and insurance and confirmation the postal service can provide, I'm still worried for my passport, not to mention all of the personal information in that priority express mail envelope with it. And second, there is always the fear that my visa application will be denied, or the consulate will need additional information, or it will take too long to secure my visa in time. The fear is very real and very worry-inducing.

Yesterday, while I was thick in worry because my mom had mailed my previously-expired passport instead of the current one to me on accident, I realized that something was running through my head. It took me a minute before I knew what it was.

May your preparation be worship... 

A friend gave me money for my trip to Hong Kong in 2012, and wrote this on the envelope. May your preparation be worship. One of my early posts on this blog featured this sentence as I was grappling with the concept of preparing for this seemingly impossible task. May your preparation be worship. This was the first thing I told my peers, fellow education majors also doing their student teaching overseas, when we sat together for fellowship the Sunday morning of CCTECC training. May your preparation be worship.

It rang in my head and heart the way strong words or loud noises ring in our ears. I felt those words like I felt my worry, and the desire to worship has started to overpower the feeling that I need to worry. 

What I have come to realize today is that the God who works all things out for our good and His glory even has control over the postal service and the embassy. This means that even when I think everything could be running at a much faster pace, for example, His hand is on these plans I'm making. His plans are already made! His eyes are watching my passport. His voice is speaking to the people involved in my preparations. His hands are making arrangements I don't even know about yet. His feet are going places I have never been in order to prepare them for me and to prepare me for them. I worry and fret, but He is good and He is in control. 

Would you join me in thanking Him today?