Love and Lose (And Do it Well)

I think it hit me today that I did not come to Chiang Mai for my benefit. Yes, I have benefitted greatly from this experience. I have grown so much professionally and personally. I have been challenged and encouraged every single day, but coming here was not for me. It was for the students with whom I have had the privilege of working.

One of my fears in signing up for the program for overseas student teaching (POST) was that my students wouldn't like me. Even writing that makes me cringe. I have had more notes, hugs, compliments, and "thank you"s (in multiple languages) than I can count. Most recently, a ninth grader asked me to the school dance and a twelfth grader joked about getting my phone number. No matter how many times they annoy me, these kids have stolen my heart. And from their responses to my impending departure, I believe many of them have a place in their hearts for me.

It is this "impending departure," however, that has me worried. Leaving and being left are common occurances in the lives of Third Culture Kids (all of my students are TCKs in some way or another), and I feared that my much-too-short time with them was perpetuating the painful reality of the transient world in which they live. Has it even been worth it? I asked my housemate and friend Becky today. I was afraid I had made their already tangled lives more difficult.

Becky quickly countered my fear. They are richer for having known you and having been taught by you. She said. And you are richer for having known them and taught them. You know what? She is right.

I used to despise the saying "It is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all." I got so upset when people would say it because I felt like it wasn't true. For all of its perks, love is incredibly painful. Why woud I go through all of that knowing it would all end in disaster?

Yet, here I am, loving these kids and being willing to let them go. Sure, we'll be friends on Facebook when I officially finish student teaching, and we'll like each other's status about Thailand and jet lag, and we might see each other again because this world is a very small place, but my work here is done. That moment in time when I stood before 23 juniors and seniors and asked them to watch what they say because their words have power will never come again. That split second when I realized I had fallen in love with my 43 freshmen as they loved on Thai elementary school children is not going to happen the same way again. I could never get back those moments again, even though I will teach hundreds of teenagers in my lifetime.

Am I depressed that I will never get this back again? No. I'm blessed. I'm rich with the experience and the memories and the lessons learned. Third Culture Kids who are able to process their experiences (with the help of parents, teachers, counselors, etc) are able to love and lose. It happens. It hurts. They know it because they've experienced it. They often struggle to deal with the grief (many TCKs often unheathily build up unresolved grief), but with help, they work through it. They are richer for having had the Third Culture Kid experience, and most are very proud of it. Losing hurts, but they loved and invested; they unpacked and planted trees. It is the relationships that make the experience worth it. TCKs lose much, but they gain so much more.

I hope and pray that the too-short months I've spent with these precious students have somehow encouraged them. May they find God and his grace right where they struggle most. May they be motivated to keep on keeping on. May God's name be lifted and praised before mine is even remembered. He has great plans for them.

In Him,
--

"Seek Him. Be Here. Be His."

TCKs and Me

Before I came to Thailand, I asked God to show me what the Third Culture Kid (TCK) life is like. I had explored websites and articles, been to training, read books, and even conducted an online survey, but I still didn't know much about TCKs. The more time I spent with my students (all of whom are Third Culture Kids or Cross-Cultural Kids in one way or another), the more I realized how little I know about them and how underprepared I was to work with them. I posted about this frustration on Facebook, and a friend encouraged me to listen to my students. Ask questions and listen. That's really all I can do.

A bit about questions: When I first arrived here, I met both student TCKs and staff member A[dult]TCKs that asked me some amazing questions. Third Culture Kids literally ask the best questions. With some of their questions, I felt energized to talk forever (we all love talking about ourselves, right?). Other questions stumped me and left me feeling like I couldn't think straight. I also felt like anything I could ask in return was just not good enough. So even though I have spent some time asking questions and listening, there is still so much I feel like I could be doing. Part of me is thankful I have two weeks left in the school so that I can be a listening ear and a good presence (and answer more inspiring questions!) without the requirements of teaching full time.

Anyway, before I came, I asked God to show me what TCK life is like, with my expectations being that I would move here, come into the school, and immediately have heart-to-hearts with teenage girls. That's not exactly what happened. One reason for that is because teenagers don't naturally spill their life stories to people they have just met. In addition, I wanted to treat my students as people and as students before I treated them as TCKs, so I came into it with that primary focus. While I have not learned the ins and outs of the entire TCK lifestyle so far nor I have any heart to hearts with teenagers recently, I have heard from my students in conversations and in their journal entries about their experiences. One Thai student shared with me her struggles about growing up in a Thai family but attending our international school, which has a westernized schooling system. In her family's Thai culture, stoicism and not showing off your emotions is praised, whereas in our school, expressing yourself is highly praised. What an interesting concept.

The one aspect of this experience that has helped me understand the TCK journey the most, however, is my own experience. God has given me a tiny glimpse of a Third Culture Kid's life. In no way do I claim the TCK life as my own. I may have had a moderately mobile upbringing but not an international one. In fact, I have not experienced most of what my students have experienced. Their lives are, as I expressed one day, a tangled mess of life. Beautiful and very much alive, but also tangled.

For example, I have realized the innate sense of loneliness of many of my students, because I have felt it myself. I have felt the feelings of no one else gets me that many of my students feel on a regular basis. I can identify with feeling inadequate one day and on top of the world the next. I understand questioning God's provision and direction. I understand feeling so wrapped up in community that you are left feeling essentially alone. I know how it feels to not be able to find the right words in a situation, or to have to sift through multiple languages to find the right words. I identify with the pervasive need many of my students feel to not only act but to be perfect. I am not a TCK (and I am only a moderately Mobile Kid), but I can identify with those feelings and attitudes. I can read all the books on TCKs, but until I resonate with their experiences, even if only a little bit, I will not understand them.

I hope that I continue to have experiences to be able to work with Third Culture Kids. I see such joy in their lives, even the ones who struggle sometimes. I see such potential in them to do incredible things politically, culturally, spiritually, relationally, and personally. TCKs, CCKs, and HMKs are blessed with incredible experiences that both help and hinder them. By that, I mean that these lives (which have often been chosen for them) are both amazing and difficult. Like all kids, they need someone to help them process their experiences, maybe more often or sooner than monocultural kids. It's time parents, teachers, school staff, church members and leadership, government workers, and everyone else are aware of how best to work with these kids, so that these kids are able to utilize their experiences in healthy ways.

Step number one to working with TCKs: Ask and Listen. The best way to validate someone is to listen to them.

--

"Seek Him. Be Here. Be His."

Kuhn phuut pasaa Thai dai mai khaa?

(Do you speak Thai?) And the answer to that would be "Mai chai khaa" (No), but I am learning!

Other than basic "hello" and "how are you" and my numbers, I know some words to describe food (for example, "tawt" means "fried" and "gai" means "chicken") and to buy things ("tao ri" means "how much [money]").

And even though school is taught entirely in English, with the exception of Thai and Spanish classes, I'm learning a lot about pasaa Thai (Thai language) and other languages while I'm here. So, story time!

When I asked a group of senior boys if they were going to read Frankenstein (as opposed to working on another assignment) during their work day today, one of them immediately responded "Miss W, mai ow" (which means "don't want").  I had to laugh at that one! I usually hear "mai ow" in situations where you are thinking about buying something (or someone is asking if you would like to buy something), and you tell them "no thanks" (Mai ow, kawp kuhn khaa).   

A group of my Korean students taught me "thank you" in Korean today. When sounded out it is like: "Kham-sa-ham-nii-da," but they say it fast to me. I hope I can use khamsahamniida8 when I fly back through Korea to get home.

One of my half-Thai students was sharing about a surgery he had when he was younger. He said that leading up to the surgery, he was afraid he would lose his leg, and I was like "wow, I didn't know that!" I wanted to talk with him his leg problems. Then he said that it was a surgery on his kidney, and that the Thai word for kidney is "Thigh," so he thought it was his leg, not his kidney, because he was still learning both languages. I thought that was very funny.

Most of my students are, in some way or another,, bilingual or trilingual. I am consistently impressed by them, and encouraged to keep going and keep pressing on when I see them. When one of my Korean students gives directions to the Thai children in Thai on ministry day, when one of my students shares his testimony, when one of my ELL students finally finds a book he loves, when one of my Thai students nurses my dying plant to life, when six of my students effectively lead their class and represent their class to student council... I am so impressed and so blessed.