Love and Lose (And Do it Well)

I think it hit me today that I did not come to Chiang Mai for my benefit. Yes, I have benefitted greatly from this experience. I have grown so much professionally and personally. I have been challenged and encouraged every single day, but coming here was not for me. It was for the students with whom I have had the privilege of working.

One of my fears in signing up for the program for overseas student teaching (POST) was that my students wouldn't like me. Even writing that makes me cringe. I have had more notes, hugs, compliments, and "thank you"s (in multiple languages) than I can count. Most recently, a ninth grader asked me to the school dance and a twelfth grader joked about getting my phone number. No matter how many times they annoy me, these kids have stolen my heart. And from their responses to my impending departure, I believe many of them have a place in their hearts for me.

It is this "impending departure," however, that has me worried. Leaving and being left are common occurances in the lives of Third Culture Kids (all of my students are TCKs in some way or another), and I feared that my much-too-short time with them was perpetuating the painful reality of the transient world in which they live. Has it even been worth it? I asked my housemate and friend Becky today. I was afraid I had made their already tangled lives more difficult.

Becky quickly countered my fear. They are richer for having known you and having been taught by you. She said. And you are richer for having known them and taught them. You know what? She is right.

I used to despise the saying "It is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all." I got so upset when people would say it because I felt like it wasn't true. For all of its perks, love is incredibly painful. Why woud I go through all of that knowing it would all end in disaster?

Yet, here I am, loving these kids and being willing to let them go. Sure, we'll be friends on Facebook when I officially finish student teaching, and we'll like each other's status about Thailand and jet lag, and we might see each other again because this world is a very small place, but my work here is done. That moment in time when I stood before 23 juniors and seniors and asked them to watch what they say because their words have power will never come again. That split second when I realized I had fallen in love with my 43 freshmen as they loved on Thai elementary school children is not going to happen the same way again. I could never get back those moments again, even though I will teach hundreds of teenagers in my lifetime.

Am I depressed that I will never get this back again? No. I'm blessed. I'm rich with the experience and the memories and the lessons learned. Third Culture Kids who are able to process their experiences (with the help of parents, teachers, counselors, etc) are able to love and lose. It happens. It hurts. They know it because they've experienced it. They often struggle to deal with the grief (many TCKs often unheathily build up unresolved grief), but with help, they work through it. They are richer for having had the Third Culture Kid experience, and most are very proud of it. Losing hurts, but they loved and invested; they unpacked and planted trees. It is the relationships that make the experience worth it. TCKs lose much, but they gain so much more.

I hope and pray that the too-short months I've spent with these precious students have somehow encouraged them. May they find God and his grace right where they struggle most. May they be motivated to keep on keeping on. May God's name be lifted and praised before mine is even remembered. He has great plans for them.

In Him,
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"Seek Him. Be Here. Be His."

TCKs and Me

Before I came to Thailand, I asked God to show me what the Third Culture Kid (TCK) life is like. I had explored websites and articles, been to training, read books, and even conducted an online survey, but I still didn't know much about TCKs. The more time I spent with my students (all of whom are Third Culture Kids or Cross-Cultural Kids in one way or another), the more I realized how little I know about them and how underprepared I was to work with them. I posted about this frustration on Facebook, and a friend encouraged me to listen to my students. Ask questions and listen. That's really all I can do.

A bit about questions: When I first arrived here, I met both student TCKs and staff member A[dult]TCKs that asked me some amazing questions. Third Culture Kids literally ask the best questions. With some of their questions, I felt energized to talk forever (we all love talking about ourselves, right?). Other questions stumped me and left me feeling like I couldn't think straight. I also felt like anything I could ask in return was just not good enough. So even though I have spent some time asking questions and listening, there is still so much I feel like I could be doing. Part of me is thankful I have two weeks left in the school so that I can be a listening ear and a good presence (and answer more inspiring questions!) without the requirements of teaching full time.

Anyway, before I came, I asked God to show me what TCK life is like, with my expectations being that I would move here, come into the school, and immediately have heart-to-hearts with teenage girls. That's not exactly what happened. One reason for that is because teenagers don't naturally spill their life stories to people they have just met. In addition, I wanted to treat my students as people and as students before I treated them as TCKs, so I came into it with that primary focus. While I have not learned the ins and outs of the entire TCK lifestyle so far nor I have any heart to hearts with teenagers recently, I have heard from my students in conversations and in their journal entries about their experiences. One Thai student shared with me her struggles about growing up in a Thai family but attending our international school, which has a westernized schooling system. In her family's Thai culture, stoicism and not showing off your emotions is praised, whereas in our school, expressing yourself is highly praised. What an interesting concept.

The one aspect of this experience that has helped me understand the TCK journey the most, however, is my own experience. God has given me a tiny glimpse of a Third Culture Kid's life. In no way do I claim the TCK life as my own. I may have had a moderately mobile upbringing but not an international one. In fact, I have not experienced most of what my students have experienced. Their lives are, as I expressed one day, a tangled mess of life. Beautiful and very much alive, but also tangled.

For example, I have realized the innate sense of loneliness of many of my students, because I have felt it myself. I have felt the feelings of no one else gets me that many of my students feel on a regular basis. I can identify with feeling inadequate one day and on top of the world the next. I understand questioning God's provision and direction. I understand feeling so wrapped up in community that you are left feeling essentially alone. I know how it feels to not be able to find the right words in a situation, or to have to sift through multiple languages to find the right words. I identify with the pervasive need many of my students feel to not only act but to be perfect. I am not a TCK (and I am only a moderately Mobile Kid), but I can identify with those feelings and attitudes. I can read all the books on TCKs, but until I resonate with their experiences, even if only a little bit, I will not understand them.

I hope that I continue to have experiences to be able to work with Third Culture Kids. I see such joy in their lives, even the ones who struggle sometimes. I see such potential in them to do incredible things politically, culturally, spiritually, relationally, and personally. TCKs, CCKs, and HMKs are blessed with incredible experiences that both help and hinder them. By that, I mean that these lives (which have often been chosen for them) are both amazing and difficult. Like all kids, they need someone to help them process their experiences, maybe more often or sooner than monocultural kids. It's time parents, teachers, school staff, church members and leadership, government workers, and everyone else are aware of how best to work with these kids, so that these kids are able to utilize their experiences in healthy ways.

Step number one to working with TCKs: Ask and Listen. The best way to validate someone is to listen to them.

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"Seek Him. Be Here. Be His."

The Most Challenging Part

Upon reading my blog posts and thoughts from earlier this semester, I have become aware that I worried about all of the wrong things. I worried about finances, but I received a refund from the college. I worried about safety, but Thailand is probably the safest country in all of Asia. I worried about getting to the grocery store and buying food and stuff, but we do that every week.

In fact, my biggest struggle is not the language barrier, as I once thought it'd be. Although Thai is a tonal language (which makes it incredibly difficult to speak), I can get by with a few simple phrases, numbers, and lots of pointing and nodding and wai-ing (bowing). Also, adding "khaa" to the end of anything makes it more polite. Don't get me started on reading and writing Thai, however. That's not going to happen in 13 weeks! :)

My biggest struggle is not even the cultural differences. As my roommate Cara says, when you start to understand a culture or people group anthropologically, you can understand why they do (and don't do) certain things. For example, Thai people don't wear their shoes in homes, especially someone else's home. For one, the ground is dirty and many Thai people walk or ride songtaos or motorbikes. In addition, most people here who have pretty good jobs hire a mae baan (may BAHN), like a housekeeper, to sweep, mop, clean bathrooms, etc. Our mae baan visits once a week for half a day. Mae baans may also be asked to watch after children, do laundry, cook meals, etc. Wealthier people may hire a mae baan to live in their homes full time. Anyway, one reason Thai people don't walk in someone's house with their shoes on is because it shows disrespect to the mae baan or whoever cleaned the house. Thais (and Asians in general) are very focused on respect. I have observed and experienced, however, that Thai people are very forgiving. Believe me, I have made many mistakes, like pointing at something with my foot, dropping baht (currency), giving and taking baht with my left hand, saying thank you in English instead of Thai (and once saying hello instead of thank you because I forgot which was which), and eating with my fork (and probably more I'm not aware of!). While most people don't mind it, is culturally incorrect to lift your fork to your mouth. Instead, the fork is used to push food onto the spoon, which you then eat from. (With the spoon in your right hand.) For a long time, I didn't understand why this was the way things were done. And then I tried eating a rice-based dish with a fork while having a conversation. Impossible. It is so much easier to scoop your rice and pork into a spoon than to try to balance rice on your fork! Now that I've learned how to use my fork and spoon, even something so small, I feel more able to handle the culture.

My biggest struggle is not even homesickness. I know, I know. Hearing me say this may make you think that I don't miss you all. Believe me, I do. Tremendously. I think of you guys a lot. I miss the funny things you do and say. I miss not having to explain funny memories. I miss your companionship. I miss hanging out with guys my own age. I also miss a lot of things from the states, like Chick-Fil-A (although this cute little restaurant near my neighborhood can whip up some awesome khao mun gai - rice with chicken). I miss being able to drive myself, because I have to depend on songtaos and generous friends and my own bicycle to get places. Also, not being able to communicate effectively with most people at markets, stores, and restaurants is challenging. It's a challenge, but I'm learning to rise to it and seek help when I need it. That's not my biggest struggle.

For a long time, my biggest struggle here was that I was the only person with my unique experience. I was the only student teacher from TFC at GIS. I felt very alone. And then I met Amy, who just graduated from a teacher education program in Colorado (she did her student teaching in the Fall). Amy has been a safe person for me to talk to, and we can share our student teaching experiences and our mutual worries over our futures. With someone who understands a little more than most people by my side, my biggest struggle most recently has been lesson planning. I know, it sounds really pathetic. I mean, yeah, I have spent the last three years learning how to write and teach lesson plans. But when you're actually sitting down to do it day in and day out, it is extremely difficult. I'm taking my teacher's plans from previous years and what their students need this year (and in the case of one class, two teachers' plans and needs), combining that with my unit plans that I've developed to include all my resources, mixing that with the college wants me to do, developing materials and resources where I don't already have them, and filling out the lesson plan format according to what the college requires. I am overwhelmed with all that is required (for all the different people) and how I am supposed to finish all of my lesson plans by Thursday night when I've spent all my free time (and after school until 5 or 6) gading papers, tests, and finding resources. Okay, so I know it sounds like I'm complaining, and I appreciate the high standard I'm being held to, but it is very difficult being responsible for so much and investing into these kids at the same time.

But you know what I've realized? I'm not an excellent teacher if my lesson plans are perfect but my students don't know they are loved. Granted, I have to know what I'm doing each class period, especially because I'm being evaluated practically every day. However, if I am here just to teach, I am failing at life. To paraphrase Paul's letter to the Corinthians:

If I could speak all the first languages of my ELL students, but didn't love them, I would only be a noisy gong or clanging symbol. If had the gift of differentiation, and if I understood all literature and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such alignment to the standards that my students not only aced all tests but could apply their learning to the real world, but I didn't love them, I would be nothing. If I gave my afternoons and weekends to working with students and even if, God forbid, I died in the line of protecting my students, I could boast about it; but if I didn't love them, I would have gained nothing.

(Paraphrase of 1 Corinthians 13:1-3)

So this is what I'm left with. I only have two more weeks of intense student teaching lesson plans, so I'm going to make the most of it even though it is hard, and I'm going to continue to love on my kids.

Please be praying that I would have opportunities to encourage my students. I have 43 ninth graders in three classes and 23 seniors in one class. Please pray that conversations and lessons would be edifying and God would be the center. Please also pray for my students' families, many of whom are involved directly in international missions. Ask God for safety and direction for their ministries.

Amen.

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"Seek Him. Be Here. Be His."

Two Weeks Full-Time and SEW

I have had a wonderful past couple of weeks with my amazing ninth and twelfth graders. On most days, I have a first period study hall, second and third period planning, fourth period English 9, fifth period British Literature, sixth period English 9, lunch, English 9 again, and then planning eighth period. Wednesdays and Thursdays, we have block scheduling, in which I see all of my classes over those two days for a longer period.

As of today, I have finished two weeks of full-time teaching, with four to go. I'm also halfway through my 13 weeks here. Professionally, the lesson I have learned most significantly so far is to connect what we're reading to my students' lives. They probably do not care a lick about The Odyssey, but they do have ideas about leadership, heroes, foretelling and changing the future, and the meaning of home. So, instead of reading the text because it is in the curriculum, we are reading the text for the themes and important issues.

In my personal life, I have learned that these kids have my heart. I have completely fallen in love with my students. They are so intelligent, funny, and caring. They are brave, wise, and willing. There's something about Third Culture Kids that melts my heart, and these kids have shown me what being a TCK is all about. They have shown me both the joys and pains of their often very transient lifestyles. They have welcomed me in to their lives in a way I could never expect them to. I am grateful and blessed.

One of the reasons I am so emotional about this is because we just finished Spiritual Emphasis Week at GIS. This week, we had chapels Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday mornings and evenings, with Wednesday night chapel being fireside worship and testimony time. Two of my students shared very powerful and God-honoring testimonies. Thursday (today), we spent the day in ministry across Chiang Mai. I went with most of the ninth graders to Srisuphan Elementary School, a very small school that serves mostly children from the hill villages of Nothern Thailand. There were three classrooms and little wooden chairs and desks in each classroom. We had groups for English teaching, games, and crafts. I was blessed to be able to sneak a peek into all three groups as the day went on. I got lots of pictures, some of which I'll be able to post to my Facebook soon (see here).

One funny story from the day: The English group taught the kids to play "Simon Says" with English vocabulary they had just learned. The kids were having trouble understanding the concept, even though one of my students  (Joseph) was explaining the directions in Thai, so Joseph took another approach to explaining it, still in Thai, and everyone laughed. When one of my students realized I hadn't caught the joke, he leaned over and explained that Joseph had just said, "We'll call it 'Joseph Says.' My name is Joseph, but you can call me the Handsome One. So, when 'The Handsome One says....'" I laughed so much today, just soaking in the joy of my students as they interacted with these young Thai kids. My students impress and encourage me every day. They are also so very gracious. What a blessing.

When news about the court case between GIS and the people who own the property reached me last year, I was very worried that I would end up teaching in a basement somewhere with no technology. However, that is not the case. We have a simply gorgeous property, and all the rooms have air conditioning units. I am so amazed by how God provides for these teachers and families, many of whom are missionaries or other kinds of international workers. God is good.

Until next time,
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"Seek Him. Be Here. Be His."

Stateside Update 13: Twenty-Nine Days, Friends!

I just purchased plane tickets, emailed my roommate (a sweet girl named Cara), signed papers, budgeted for housing... The countdown is on!

This week has been very stressful as I have been trying to get everything completed and I am definitely indebted to all of you for your support and encouragement... And for putting up with me when I get annoying or have to miss work or stay up late. I'm so grateful for you all!

With that being said, if you are interested in supporting me financially as I am preparing for this trip, please visit my Support page. I have an online donation system set up if you are interested in supporting in that capacity. My first need is always prayer, however, so feel free go to the Contact page and indicate that you would like to serve as a member of my prayer team to receive consistent updates.

Whether or not you are considering supporting my student teaching trip financially, I would like to ask you to take a moment to consider supporting Grace International School, where I will be student teaching. For those of you who don't know, Grace is a school primarily for missionary families, as families do not pay tuition and teachers raise support. In addition, Grace has struggled with a legal issue over the last few months, and they are in need of relocating. You can help support the efforts of the school by Giving a Day's Pay, Grace's new initiative. The online calculator determines you much you make in a day and makes it easy to give that amount to support Grace.

Finally, I am continuing to learn what it means for my preparation to be worship. It is so easy to get sucked into the fear that I will not be able to afford this experience, or the dread that my jet lag will be debilitating, or the anxiety of feeling like I will not able to complete all my assignments. And yet, when I realize that this experience is an incredible blessing that not many people get the opportunity to enjoy, I find myself thankful and overjoyed. In addition, thinking of the ninth graders I will have the opportunity to meet, teach, and befriend keeps me going. What a blessing it will be to see His Body at work in Asia.

Thank you for your care and compassion.
With love,
Alex
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"Seek Him. Be Here. Be His."

Stateside Update 11: Someone's Been Prayin'

Dear Friends,

For the past few days, I have been extremely nervous and anxious about heading to Thailand in approximately 53 days. I have been so worried about plane tickets, visa applications, finances... And I can't even speak a word of Thai. (Well, I take that back. I know how to say one word: Sa-was-dee-kah, which is "hello.")

I'm especially anxious because I am nearing the end of a busy semester and I still have so much more to do: lesson plans, papers, recitations, work duties, classes, observation hours, chapels, etc.

However, I have good news tonight! First, I received emails back from staff members at the school where I will be student teaching and they requested information and provided information that I needed, specifically a letter for my Thai visa application! I have been waiting for this letter for a very long time and I am blessed beyond blessed to receive it today. As the title of this post says, someone must have been praying for me during this time, because my fears about receiving and resubmitting the visa letter have been assuaged.

Second in the realm of good news is that this afternoon I finished my big lesson plan that I will be teaching this coming Wednesday to a class of 9th graders. This is extremely exciting and I'm blessed to have the opportunity to work with these students hands-on and in person as extra practice and preparation for my future teaching career. The lesson is a tiered lesson, which means I'm dividing the class into groups for the purpose of differentiation. I am placing class members into four teams, each honing in on one of the three learning styles: auditory, visual, and, for two groups, kinesthetic. It's finished as of this afternoon and I am so grateful to have it completed.

Speaking of differentiation, which is a popular buzz-word in the educational field nowadays, I want to talk for a brief minute about student teaching overseas versus in the states. Someone asked me recently to consider what it would be like if I had decided to stay in the states for my student teaching. "Wouldn't it be so much easier?" they asked. Well, yes, probably easier, I thought, but also not as rewarding.
I was a little bit taken aback at their question. I mean, humans typically don't choose to do something challenging because they feel like it. We do difficult things because we believe they are best, because the end result is worth it. If you put more work into something, you usually receive more out of it.
Anyway, I am reminded tonight as I thank the Lord for his provision that the more difficult work I am putting into student teaching overseas (versus the work I would put in if I were student teaching in the states) will produce a greater reward in the end. I will have the opportunity to love on precious students, like Third Culture Kids. I will have the opportunity of a horizon-broadening travel experience. I will see what education looks like in another country. I will meet a lot of new people and see a lot of exciting places. I will see God's hand at work in Asia.

The cool part about choosing to complete my student teaching overseas is that it is a form of differentiation. I have friends who are putting their whole hearts into student teaching at the public school in this town. We need people to do that. But we also need people willing and planning to go overseas, even if just for a semester, even if for several years. No choice is arbitrarily better than any other, but I know I am called to go to Asia for this experience. Differentiation is good, my friends: God doesn't want all his sheep in one pasture... Or all the learners only learning visually, for example.


Thank you for reading. Have any thoughts to share? Comment below.
If you are interested in giving financially or in kind towards my student teaching trip, please check out my support page.
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"Seek Him. Be Here. Be His."

Stateside Update 9: Pre-Experience Orientation

The last weekend of September, I joined two friends and our professor for a weekend in Indiana. No, we didn't head off to the Indy 500! We spent the weekend at a lovely conference center about ten miles from Taylor University (and surrounded by cornfields, which there happen to be a lot of in Indiana).

As part of Interaction International's work with Third Culture Kids and highly mobile families, they provide an overseas student teaching program for college students majoring in education. The purpose of the program is to broaden the horizons of future educators and to help prepare them to work with international students, whether in the states or overseas. My friends Priscilla, Michelle, and I are all headed overseas in January through Interaction International's student teaching program, so we were required to attend the orientation program.

The training provided was so incredibly helpful. We discussed specific plans for the spring, but what helped the most was discussion regarding Third Culture Kids; culture shock and stress; leaving, entry, and reentry processes; and much more. I was overwhelmed with the knowledge and real life experience our speakers provided. One of our speakers was Libby Stephens, who served as a dorm counselor at Black Forest Academy in German for many years. Her input and experience was very valuable.

Overall, the orientation was a great experience. I feel so much more prepared for my overseas student teaching experience now that I have gone through the training. What a blessing!

Michelle, me, and Priscilla at Lake Placid, Indiana for training

Sidenote: Are you a Third Culture Kid, Missionary Kid, or Cross-Cultural Kid? Please take a moment to fill out my survey regarding your experiences. Thank you so much!

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Plans for Thailand are going well. I was feeling very nervous regarding my overseas student teaching and the future of Grace International since the school has been experiencing legal difficulties in the past months. However, I was reminded of the goodness of God in that the Grace International's leaders are passionately pursuing Him and His will for the school despite the problems and complications. If you have a minute, please read this most recent communique from the superintendent, Mr. Williams.

I found out that I was going to Grace International School in January of this year, just after I decided that grace would be my word for 2013. It was so confirming that "grace" would be the name of the school God would send me to after a year of meditating on his grace. I need not fear the circumstances of this world and our enemy because God is good and his plans are steadfast. His love never fails. He's got this.

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I continue to ask for your prayers regarding Grace International's legal situation. Please commit those needs to the Father. I also request your prayer for my travels to Thailand. There is much to be done before my arrival in Chiang Mai and much money to be spent on plane tickets and housing. If you are interested in joining my prayer team, you can fill out this form and select the "prayer team" box. You can also check out the sidebar on the left of this homepage for prayer requests. Finally, if you are interested in supporting me financially, please read this page on ways to give.

I have been blessed with an amazing circle of people who are graciously encouraging me on this journey, and I believe that God has called us all to be both senders and goers in different capacities and in different places. He is so good.

Thank you so much for reading these thoughts on my preparation journey. Three months remaining!

May your preparation be worship,
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"Seek Him. Be Here. Be His."